Disconnecting.

Leonardo Da Vinci once said, “I love those who can smile in trouble, who can gather in strength, and grow in reflection. ‘Tis the business of little minds to shrink but they whose heart is firm, and whose conscience approves their conduct, will pursue their principles unto death”…

I think I’ve finally reached a point where I need to detach from social media and technology.  We’ve all had these moments where Facebook becomes overwhelming with friend’s opinions, judgments, criticisms, and negativity.  Lately I’ve been feeling like the bad is really heavy and the scale is not even closed to balanced.  I sat most of Saturday on duty, thinking about what I need to change about myself to be more at peace internally.  I thought to myself… “maybe I could use to exercise more and make less excuses, I should really stop eating so much chocolate and go back to eating more quinoa and non-inflammatory foods, I need to stop spending so much money and buying things that I think are going to make me satisfied, maybe I should start painting again – I’ve always enjoyed painting (but ugh – I always make such a mess and I really don’t have a designated spot for that in my house… I wonder if my mom has my easel still?), I should probably get back to drinking lots more water, I really haven’t been drinking much lately, I’ve been talking about going back to Bikram but I always make an excuse not to go – maybe I should go, maybe my job is too stressful…” and the thoughts just continued coming.  I think on to how blessed my life really is, and how I shouldn’t feel like I’m surrounded by negativity.  Kyle and I have been lucky enough to afford a nice home to live in, furnish it with our desires, a new puppy; we were able to save for, a boat, nice (new!) reliable vehicles, stable jobs, ours (and our families) good health… what is the issue here? 

Then I scrolled through my news feed on Facebook as sort of a mental distraction… everywhere I see - two NYPD cops shot point blank in their patrol car while working overtime on some anti-terrorism drill (wait, we do that stuff all the time in the Coast Guard!).  My stomach turns.  Jake works as an EMT in that area.  I click article after article, looking through pictures from the scene, for my brother.  I finally stop to read one of the articles and learn that this was a planned retaliation.  Retaliation?  Makes me sick to just continue to sit here and type about this.  We are living in a world where we are blinded by what we think we know and ignorant to trying to learn what we don’t know.  We let ourselves become absorbed with the media.  This country is believed to have come leaps and bounds in the race war, but it is a far cry from being over, and I feel that because of social media, people are becoming entitled.  Why would one man think that it is okay to avenge the death of two strangers by killing two other men who had nothing to do with the original losses in life in the first place?  It is completely insane.  I cannot wrap my head around it, and all I can see through Facebook is people picking fights with one another through comments.  Snarking to one another about not being able to breath, hands up don’t shoot, etc.  These slogans that have become recognizable in our households, should not have purpose and meaning.  By publicizing and making astronomical stories out of these unfortunate situations, lessons are not being learned, but instigations are being ensued.  My intention is not to create a controversy or conversation off of this post, but my stomach is in knots.  I think about Michael Brown’s family and having to hear the loss of their son, I think about Officer Wilson’s family and having to deal with the media’s backlash and the fact that he is going to have to play back that day in his mind forever and question his actions as a trained police officer, I think about Garner, and the two cops who were killed Saturday, five days before Christmas, I think about the man who killed himself after he shot those officers (and his girlfriend last week) and the pain and suffering he must have been feeling to commit such awful acts, and the pain and suffering all these families have to somehow manage to get through, and that the media blows these stories out of the water and they will have to deal with that as well.

So I sit here, and I think to myself, when is it going to end? ... it’s never going to end.  The way things are going, it’s not going to get better before it gets worse. 

I really wanted to write a blog summarizing the past year, because it has been one of the fastest, busiest, and most whirlwind I think in my life.  I really intended on doing it and sending it out with my Christmas cards (like people used to do - or do they still? I don't know?), because this year, like last year, we didn’t get Christmas cards, because no one knew our new address, again.  I want to stay connected with my family and close friends on more of a personal level than just through my often sardonic and sarcastic status updates.  Life gets serious sometimes, and that’s usually when I use the phone.  I really feel like I need more positive energy flowing into mine and Kyle’s lives, so I’m taking a bit of a techno break from my typical schedule.  I’m logging out of Facebook  - not deleting – just logging off.  I don’t need notifications.  I don’t need distractions.  I don’t need to mindlessly scroll through my news feed and see what half my friends ate in the last 24 hours, what’s trending on HuffPost, and what 20 stupid things I will never see again according to Buzzfeed.  I am going to put take my phone out of my pocket when I’m at work.  I will check it when I leave work.  When I’m at work I should be focusing on work, not my phone when it buzzes in my pocket, not worrying about who liked my photo on Instagram.  When I get home, I’ll stick it in the kitchen and it will live there.   We need to slow down.  We need to stop mindlessly letting our brains control our thoughtless emotions.  If every time I scrolled through my news feed on Facebook, I instead did 10 pushups, I’d be jacked...think about it.

Bank of America Rant

We had a Bank of America account when we were first married and used it for maybe a couple months before opening a USAA account.  I left .04 cents in the account and left it "open" just as an incidental (since USAA doesn't have physical banks and Kyle was still receiving paper pay-checks on Nantucket).  I hadn't logged into the account in so long my login had since expired and I no longer had a card with them. 

I tried to close the account about a year ago and was told (after being on hold for about 45 minutes by someone not American) I would have to physically go to the bank to do so and the closest one was about 45 minutes away.  It didn't seem worth it to me since the .04 cents was just sitting there safe and secure, I left it alone.

I got something in the mail today that my account was overdrawn, due to Bank of America's fees, they charged me a 'maintenance fee' which over-drafted the account, then went on to hit me with a fee for being over-drafted, this went on for three months until their mail finally caught up with me in Jacksonville (because remember, I can't log into my account so I couldn't change my address - which probably hadn't been updated since Nantucket but the USPS change of address system did their job well!).

At first the operator made it sound like this was irresponsible and my fault for letting the account get this way, because I should be logging in at least monthly to make sure my account was in good standing.  I explained to her that she could look at the last time the account was used, and that I no longer had access to login or else I would have, and that the only reason the account is over-drawn is because of their fees... my .04 cents was doing fine for the last 3 years. 

She said she had to pull some strings because they don't typically refund fees "that far back" but once I explained to her that we are military and move and it took the mail awhile to catch up with us, I think she felt bad.  She refunded the fees, and closed the account.  Bank of America will be sending me a check for .04cents... I think we will go out to dinner to celebrate!

looking for answers to questions that bothered {her} him so...

He was impressive, young and agressive

Saving the world on his own.

But the warm summer breezes

the French wine and cheeses

put his ambitions at bay

and the summers and winters

scattered like splinters

and four or five years slipped away.

I know my brother Will would have picked up on those lyrics just in the title alone.  I'm overdue for a post but I was mostly waiting for some news, and also, trying to decide if I still liked my job or not.  Both have verdicts.


Before I get into the dark stuff, I'd like to talk about my recent carpentry endeavors.  This weekend I decided I was going to build a deck, and an ottoman, and I did.  The deck was actually built during reprieve from the ottoman. 

So I have to give credit to where I got my inspiration from, my friend Dani, who I went to bootcamp with, made a storage ottoman of her own after she had her first baby (shortly after baby girl started walking I believe), and I was so impressed with her ottoman!  Kyle and I have always wanted a whiskey barrel coffee table but they cost about $700 before shipping, looking at about $1000 when it's all said and done, we're just not making that much money at this point in our lives... but eventually.  I definitely couldn't have constructed this massive ottoman without Dani helping me (all the way in California!) she answered all my messages almost immediately (OK - I did wait until a reasonable west coast hour to shoot her a message).  My dad drove to my house (an hour away) two days in a row to help me with these projects.  And of course, Kyle, who always supports my crazy ideas - emotionally, physically, and financially, amazingly he rarely challenges me - and I think maybe it's because he knows I might be onto something (realistically he probably knows at this point arguing with me will get him nowhere and I'm going to do what I want anyway... oops).

So here's the pics with explanations, which you've mostly seen if you follow my Facebook:

 Naturally, we went and got the wood first, for both projects... Dad and I planned to do the deck the same way we did in Pensacola.  I had my measurements for my coffee table/ottoman (I say coffee table because I literally took the measurements of my coffee table and used that for my ottoman) so I had the guy at Lowe's cut my wood for me for that so we wouldn't have to do it when we got home.  

We planned on doing a 6'x10' deck since there's a huge tree about 6.5' off the back of my cement slab.  After we loaded a dozen 12' boards for the top part of the deck onto our cart, I chimed in and re-evaluated the "plan" with my dad at which point we realized we were NOT on the same page.  The employee at Lowe's thought we were awesome and didn't care that we just nit-picked a dozen pieces of decking only to move to the next isle over to pick a dozen more of a different size.  We argued for about 10 more minutes until we each drew out on a piece of scrap paper what we were talking about, and decided to go with (my plan) the original deck build from Pensacola.  By the time we checked out and loaded the wood in the truck we realized we had spent over 2 hours at Lowe's, and Kyle was waiting for lunch (it was 4PM at that point - OOPS! - I told you I give him a lot of credit for putting up with my antics!!)

 

Once we got back to the house we realized we would not be building the deck (Friday) but with Kyle's help (since we stayed at Fastenal to eat lunch/dinner with him) we decided to build the box we would need for the ottoman.

 After Dad left, Kyle and I went to Joann's (thank goodness they are open until 9PM!) and I made my buttons that I would use for tufting out of fabric that would be used to cover the rest of the ottoman.  This was surprisingly easy and a task I would happily do again.

 Also that night I covered the box with batting and prepped it for fabric in the morning (I was exhausted and had some school work to do)

The next morning I woke up and HAND SEWED (don't you remember my ranting about how much my sewing machine was pissing me off!) the fabric that went on the bottom of the ottoman.  It took me over an hour because I had to sew two 82x20" pieces of fabric together with upholstery thread, and I really wanted it to be perfect in a straight line and tight since it was going to be on the bottom portion of the ottoman.

 I ran to Joann's again after hand sewing all that stuff together to buy my foam, because I had a 50% off coupon that wasn't good until Saturday morning.  Kyle and I got it cut the night before but once we realized I couldn't use the coupon it was worth the second trip since foam is $48/yd and I needed just about 2 yards.  While I was waiting for my dad to arrive I started tufting.  This was the hardest and most tedious part of the project.  I didn't take a pic but the night before Kyle, dad, and I had pre-measured where the tufts would go by doing MATH and figuring out how to organize 14 buttons fashionably on top of the ottoman.  Kyle drilled holes so I could cut through the foam and tie off my tuft under the board.  Once I laid the foam on top of the board I shoved a tufting needle through and pulled out some foam (since the blog I was following said to follow those directions for best look).  I realized after I did this I didn't get enough batting for the top and made a third trip to Joann's.  When I got back, I dove right into the tufting.  Basically I drove a tufting needle from the bottom up, made a hole, and followed a threaded tufting needle down, it was nearly impossible to find the drilled hole (even though it was large) because the needle never went through the foam the same way twice.  I cut up some little pieces of material from a throw-away shirt to tie to the bottom of my tufts and this is what it looked like once I was done.

 The cats LOVE the new ottoman/coffee table.

 ...and so does the husband.

My advice: not a DIY for a newb... this is an advanced project, I felt overwhelmed at times and kept the iPad nearby with YouTube videos on demand.  The tufting was something I wasn't familiar or comfortable with, it came out OK - but I wish I had someone to help me when I was doing that part of it (I was solo at that point).  Also... measure as you go, I used the measurements from my coffee table and my finished ottoman ended up being 3 inches taller than the coffee table (my guess is from batting and feet once they were screwed in).  This is the blog I followed most of my instructions from:  http://www.ourpovertywithaview.com/2013/02/pinterest-challenge-storage-ottoman/

I thought I could beat her difficulty by NOT BUYING a piano hinge and two simple hinges... it didn't work and now I need to either return or just outright buy a piano hinge.  Not a necessary addition but we will add it in the future.



ANYWAY... last Sunday I had an MRI ordered on my dome to look for a pituitary gland tumor.  This may seem random but it's not - I have posted in the past about my struggles with weight gain/loss, fertility, my ocular problems, exhaustion, thyroid, etc... After having full labs run my doc determined that a bunch of my hormone levels were irregular, so he wanted to search for this because it was the only thing that made sense... anyway,  I called my doctor on Wednesday since I was told by the Naval Hospital that my results would be ready in 72 hours.  After speaking with the nurse I was told I would need to make an appointment to see my doc to discuss results and their earliest appointment was 27 September... I explained to her that I was going to be away during that time and I felt comfortable discussing results over the phone if my doc would also.  The nurse put in for a "call back request" but said it could take an additional 72 hours to hear from my doc.  She called later that afternoon and requested again to know when my MRI had been done... after I told her she said I'd hear from my doc soon.  My doc called the following day and asked me "who ordered this MRI?", to which I reminded him, "you did!", he argued "No, I didn't... when would I have ordered this?" and I reminded him, "earlier this month", he responded, "Okay, I will look again and call you back this afternoon".  He never called back.  Finally on Friday I heard from my doc.  He called and said, "you have a tumor on your pituitary gland", he felt that the tumor was not what caused my symptoms and the best thing to do at this point was to re-run blood work in 6 months and see if any of my levels change dramatically which would mean the tumor is growing.  He added, "unless you plan on getting pregnant anytime soon, this is something you can live with".  He must have forgotten I told him I thought my infertility was a symptom of some other underlying health issue - not hypothyroid (I reminded him).

I was in Joann's picking out fabric for my epic ottoman when I received this call so maybe I was a little distracted or jaded by the news, but it really didn't bother me until I spoke with my family and Kyle.  I feel a little different knowing that I have a tumor in my body, let alone my brain.  Every time I have a little headache I wonder now if it's the tumor.  Every time I feel lightheaded or nauseous I think it must be my tumor.  I don't want to feel this way or think this way, because God only knows how long this thing has been in my head.  If I know my body, and I think I do, I'd say it's only been a few years... I felt different about a year after we got married, and I didn't think it was marriage related but that's how I was treated (the honey-moon phase is over, the first year is the hardest, blah blah blah).  Realistically, Kyle has always been extremely easy-going with me, he deals with my mood swings and melt-downs as if it's second nature and never treats me differently.  I love him for that!

My docs response to me reminding him about my fertility as a symptom was to give me a referral to the fertility specialists.   This isn't what I wanted.  I wanted him to tell me what he was going to do about the tumor in my brain.  I wanted him to explain to me how this is going to affect the rest of my life and what the treatment options are if there even are any.  I really didn't want to go home and read every article about pituitary gland tumors.  What if I am the 10% who has a malignant tumor?  He didn't even talk about testing for cancer.  I am frustrated at this point and don't know what to think.  I feel a little better knowing that what I felt and my suspicion that our infertility was not one-sided and my 'symptoms' (weight gain, thyroid disease, exhaustion, mood swings) are all explained because of this alien in my brain... but I want normal...

I am going to wrap this up... but I want to add that I think I hate my job.  Not the Coast Guard, just this job on the 87'.  I really vented last weekend about it and accepted that I really just F***ing hate it on this boat, and Monday seemed to be just a little bit better because I showed up giving less shits.  I'm not that person though, so even though I feel better about not being stressed out about caring, I still have a complex about the fact that I'm not giving 100%... is 75% okay?  Can I maintain 75% for the next 18 months (who's counting anyway?)... but that's why I really needed to build my deck and sink my feet into this house... I'm guessing since I'm not getting pregnant anytime soon, I'm going to go tour complete here - might as well have a deck to drink a beer on (I haven't had a landlord complain about my signature deck-building up to this point!! - we used screws this time so I can take the materials to my next rental - hahaha!).

eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee44444444444h (that was Pippin typing a little)

KINGFISHER and fruit fly genocide

I survived my first week aboard the KINGFISHER, barely.  A few hiccups, but after next week - should be smooth sailing (definitely figuratively speaking).  Everyone on the crew seems really nice, and just makes me more sure that underway is the way to be in the Coast Guard.  It seems like people on land are either a) part of the problem, or b) hate their jobs. 

Long story short - I transferred into a different district than where I was stationed previously on the CYPRESS.  Yes, both units are in Florida, however, Pensacola is barely Florida, and is in district 8, whereas the KINGFISHER is in district 7.  Click here to learn more about CG districts and the units that are in them! (side note: if you just clicked that link - don't ask me where districts 12, 15, and 16 are... I cannot answer that question)  So anyway, as you can see (or maybe not because you didn't click the link) district 7 is basically Florida, Georgia, and South Carolina, which means more or less that the units there do a lot more law enforcement, search and rescue, and migrant operations because of the location and the warmer weather - which means more people out boating and fishing and things of that nature.  When I was in district 8 my job did not require me to have a security clearance, however, district 7 requires it (at least for afloat units).  SO.  I applied for a clearance in March but because my profile displayed that I was on the CYPRESS still (and still does today... which is my major hangup), I was denied clearance.  Basically, I cannot sail with the boat until that gets fixed, which will hopefully happen sometime next week - but until then, I'm going to be duty cooking at the sector galley - which makes me real mad.

The boat is significantly smaller than the CYPRESS in every way imaginable.  When a small fishing boat buzzes by - we rock like crazy.  My galley in its entirety is the size of two tables on the mess-deck on the CYPRESS.  My rack (bed) however, is much larger with a much nicer mattress - WIN.

Other than that - I am really happy with my job here so far.  It's definitely more work, but I expected that... and it's good work, it's not strenuous - it's more like figuring out the ins and outs of the boat and also, figuring out what people like to eat.  Easy.


IN OTHER NEWS... this house has had fruit flies in it since we moved in.  I bought a bunch of fruit (organic, of course) and set it on the counter... next thing you know - fruit fly fiesta.  They are annoying the SHIT out of me.

A few years ago when we were living on Nantucket, there was this crazy infiltration of fruit flies all over the island.  They were EVERYWHERE.  That's because a fruit fly can smell rotting fruit from a mile away, and Nantucket was only like a quarter mile long (kidding).  Anyway, I researched how to get rid of them because it was kind of gross that my galley had all these fruit flies swarming around.  One article I read said to put some vinegar in a bowl and cover the bowl with saran wrap and poke holes in it - the fruit flies can get in but they can't get out, eventually exhausting themselves and drowning in the vinegar.  This seems like an awful way to go because one of my biggest fears is drowning - but drowning in vinegar - UGH!  Anyway, I've set about two bowls so far on the counter, I actually added a step to this by mixing in some dish soap, I hope it kills them faster, but who knows.  I've killed about 50 fruit flies probably in the past week.  And yes, I put the fruit in the fridge.  I have a suspicion they are coming from our garbage disposal - because I have yet to find rotting fruit somewhere around the house, unless the previous tenants think it's a hilarious joke to play on the new people who moved in. OH WELL.  I hope if you're having the fruit fly dilemma you can take away from this post.  Until next time.

The one I've been trying to write...

I wrote in my last post about how I tried over and over again to write the post and it still didn't turn out how I wanted it to.  Just the other day a friend on Facebook posted a blog article that really made me think - and I was really excited to read it because it almost took the words right out of my mouth. 

A little digression before I get into the good stuff, Kyle and I moved to Atlantic Beach, Florida, this week so I could take a job as in independent food service officer onboard an 87' patrol boat.  I will try to elaborate on this as much as possible to answer any questions that may come into your head as you are reading this; yes we just moved to Pensacola, no it was not my transfer season - this job was going to go critical (as in, there was going to be NO ONE there to do it soon), I was asked by the assignment officer to take it because I had applied for it's sister ship last year when it was my regular transfer season - so he knew I wanted to come to the area.  On this boat, I am the only cook - meaning, I make the menus, buy the food, cook the food, and clean my dishes. There are 9-12 people onboard, so it's like cooking for a big family. The boat, because it is only 87' doesn't get underway for as long as the CYPRESS did, however, it gets underway more frequently.  The typical mission is law enforcement and search and rescue.  A good FS (that's my rating - cook/chef/lunch lady - whatever!) can pack the boat out for about 5 days - on the CYPRESS we could carry about 3 weeks worth of food.  When the boat is in port, I will be providing breakfast and lunch to the crew, and they will have an "open galley" menu for dinner - food they can prepare themselves - because typically there are only a few people onboard overnight.  Kyle was able to transfer to another FASTENAL in Jacksonville and is doing really well in his position here.  He was also able to transfer his drill site with the reserves and will be drilling out of the sector where my boat is docked.  Additionally, we now live about 35 minutes from my Dad and Aimee, which has been awesome so far!  Any other questions just ask me!

When we were preparing to leave Pensacola I started researching GMOs and organic diets - because I've always been interested.  I saw the move as a good opportunity to start fresh.  I also started to look into all natural fertility stimulants because eventually Kyle and I would like to have kids, however, we've never really not been trying.  Without oversharing and speaking for my husband, we both have health issues that would make a typical healthy individual have trouble conceiving, so it's just double hard for us.  When we were living on Nantucket (before we knew about our underlying issues) we decided it might be the best timing because we were on land, and knew that I would be underway for the next few years.  After about a year, we saw some doctors, and our issues were brought to light - however, we were also told that under perfect conditions conception shouldn't be an issue.  That was two years ago. 

I wanted to write this blog, because I wanted to bring to the surface an issue that somehow our society A) doesn't talk about at all and B) talks about too much! 

No one talks about infertility, yet so many people suffer from it - and it's on the rise.  There's not much supporting information regarding how many couples are infertile, but the last study conducted by the CDC in 2010 says that 12 percent of the reproductive population of women are infertile - approximately 7.4 million women (up 9% from 1988!!).  That is crazy.  So I'm digging a little deeper.  I started to investigate, why? What are the causes of infertility?  Why is this happening to so many people?  Is it because we are more aware of these issues?  Is it because teenagers are taking birth control?  Why are so many women experiencing endometriosis and PCOS?  Have these issues been disregarded until they start trying to conceive then they become uncovered (at which point it's already too late?!)?  Is it because women are more career oriented and waiting later in life to have babies?  The scary thing is - no one really knows. 

Women who suffer from infertility typically don't discuss it openly - unless with close friends or family, but even then it becomes literally a sore subject - just think about how many pregnancy announcements you have seen recently on your Facebook news feed, or how many people who have "woops" babies, or people who have kids that you really just don't feel like were ever cut out for parenthood.  You never see people posting about how another month (or 6, or an entire year!) has gone by and they still haven't conceived.  Most of the time, you don't even know someone you are close to is having this struggle. 

Which leads me to how society talks too much.  When did it become appropriate to ask someone when they plan on having kids?  Or when enough is enough?  Or if they plan on trying for whatever gender they already don't have? 

I get this a lot.  Because - for some reason - my peers find it very strange that Kyle and I have been married for almost four years, and we don't have miniature humans running around our feet.  Coasties reproduce like no other population of people in our society (okay, maybe I'm exaggerating - but it's definitely something about the military that says "BIG FAMILY").  Whenever I report to a unit, or meet new people at work, one of the first questions they ask me is "Do you have kids?" and when the answer is no, typically I get, "Are you guys going to have kids anytime soon?".  What I really want to say to people is, "I'm sorry - when did my reproductive life become any of your business" but I refrain and I just say something along the lines of "eventually" or "I'd like to make E6 first".  It's easier to just play if off like having children will be some planned event in our life, and not to explain to Random Person that we've been trying for over three years now, and it might just not be in the cards for us - then what, discuss the possibility of adoption and opening a separate savings account specifically for IVF treatment/adoption fund?  No. That's not happening. 

I'm more comfortable explaining this now because being in this situation and the research I've conducted has put me at peace, mostly because I'm really okay with not having children if that's our destiny.  I've joined a lot of groups on Facebook and I've seen the daily struggle that women who so badly desire children go through.  It literally consumes some women, and their marriages.  After the first year I said to myself, "if it happens it happens, if not well, I didn't marry Kyle because of what his potential offspring would be like" and I've accepted what is meant to be, will be.  I've also learned a lot through my online studies on human services (my degree program) about how many children are in the "system" who really just want to go somewhere and be with people who are loving and capable and so badly desire consistency and a life outside of the system. Additionally, Tricare does not cover IVF, or IUI treatments - and the Coast Guard Mutual Assistance fund will only provide $5000 towards adoption fees (which could amount to over $30k if you're not adopting a child out of the system and opt for a baby through private adoption).  Of course, they give out birth control and condoms like candy at any military treatment facility - no irony there.  So, I'm taking matters into my own hands.

What does GMOs and organic food have anything to do with it?!  I'll get there.

According to most of the research I've conducted regarding infertility - many doctors feel that infertility is actually just a symptom of something else (which - we already know - I have hypothyroidism/Hashimoto's disease, and Kyle has an issue that I will not speak for him about - though more treatable than thyroid yet still doesn't guarantee correcting the issue of infertility) and most of the time they either can't figure out what it is - or they just try to override the problem with additional chemicals like Clomid - a drug that induces ovulation, or progesterone - helps prepare the body to receive fertilized egg.  Why aren't more doctors digging deeper and trying to figure out why a woman isn't ovulating regularly, or why her body is lacking the progesterone necessary to create an environment to sustain a fertilized egg?  Why have we accepted that taking additional drugs/synthetic supplements is an acceptable answer to an underlying problem?

Having a hypoactive thyroid made it almost impossible for me to join the Coast Guard.  I had to see three different recruiters, the first two told me (and read right out of a manual) that I would never be able to enlist in any branch of the military - and good luck.  The final recruiter did some extra paperwork and put me through no problem (okay, I may have had to write that I was a Hispanic Eskimo that spoke 4 languages.... just kidding...kind of).  My medical record is 3x as thick as people who have been in for 20 years, and I have to get my thyroid screened about every three months - no different than before I joined.  The government kind of screwed me, and threw me on levothyroxine - the generic of the already synthetic thyroid supplement I take every day, immediately after I joined.  I started having symptoms of hypo, and went right to my doctor, who just simply upped my dosage, and continued to do this for 6 months until I demanded I see an endocrinologist, where I was finally told that I am hypersensitive to generic medicine and I need to be on the brand name - which is still synthetic!  I'm back to "normal" now - but I've never felt AWESOME since I've been diagnosed with thyroid disease (over TEN years ago!).  I recently asked to be put on dessicated thyroid - a natural supplement which is actually dried up pig thyroid hormone, and was used ever since thyroid disease was discovered to treat symptoms - with no inflammation, and basically a 'miracle drug' (even though it's not a drug).  The military physician looked at me like I was a crazy lady and I thought I was going to be referred to mental health, however, I am not giving up this battle.

Hypoactive thyroid increases the chances (not even risk - CHANCES) of miscarriage (a study in 2009 found that 16% of women with hypothyroid disease would miscarry).  Great.

Well.... if infertility is a symptom of something, couldn't hypoactive thyroid be also?  Yup.  Thyroid disease is notoriously hereditary - and no one in my family has any known thyroid issues, all the way up to my grand parents.  When I was diagnosed with the disease at the ripe age of 15 years old - the nurse practitioner that worked in our family doctor office offered the hypothesis (based on the fact that no one in our family had thyroid disease, except our cat... which is also NOT IRONIC) that the pesticide used for prevention of mosquitos carrying West Nile virus at the time (and currently), was also linked to thyroid disease.  Why is this okay?! Why aren't there warnings??  Couldn't we just educate people on all natural mosquito deterrents rather than flying planes the length of Long Island dropping chemicals into the water and all over our lives?!  Why doesn't anyone care that this is happening?!  A simple Google search "chemicals linked to hypothyroid" pulls up all kinds of references talking about it - but why isn't it being discussed?!  Do you see how it's not ironic that my cat, who probably spent as much time outside as I did had the same disease as me?!

GMOs and organic food:  I'm not going to go into a whole discussion about GMOs because there is SOOO much information out there to educate anyone who really wants to know - and I STRONGLY URGE you to just do one Google search, or at least read this article.  GMOs are dangerous, they are genetically modified and being consumed without any regulation DAILY.  The plants are bred to be tolerant of herbacides and weed killers - they are literally created with pesticides and herbides in their genetic makeup - and then sold to use to eat in the form of soy, corn, and pretty much any processed food today.  GMOs have only been around since 1996 - so there is literally NO EVIDENCE of the long term toxic effects that they are having on the human body, livestock, and our environment - except - all over the planet where GMOs are being produced, there is already evidence of the serious short term effects, and they are being covered up - by ... wait for it... the government! The same people who put me on some generic chemical to treat a disease that is likely caused by them in the first place!

Over the past few years the organic food industry has boomed and is currently a 35 billion dollar retail market - but be weary, because major corporations like Coca Cola and Pepsi picked up on this trend and bought into products that appear "healthy" just so that if you are given the option of Coke, Orange juice, or an Odwalla Green Machine smoothie, or Naked (PepsiCo), and you opt for the "healthy" alternative, you are still buying a Coke or Pepsi product.  The same companies that donated MILLIONS of dollars to protest the GMO labeling act, and were also sued for knowingly using GMOs in their juices yet labeling their products "Non-GMO" and "All Natural (which by the way means nothing! sorry!)".  Read this!

So, while I don't think eating organic and avoiding GMOs is going to get me pregnant, I think it's really important to expose this information to people - specifically my friends (because I don't know if many strangers read this blog) because I care about it, I'm passionate about it, and I think the more people who know, the more change we will see.  I'm passionate about food.  It breaks my heart that the delicious skirt steak Sysco sells is coming from a GMO grain fed cow - because it is so tender and delicious, but it's poison! I don't expect you to read this blog and throw away your entire pantry, I just hope that it opens your eyes a little bit, and makes you think twice about the options available to you.  Kyle and I have begun making the transition to 100% organic - down to cleaning products and laundry detergent.  I've eaten almost 100% organic and drank only purified water since Monday (so for 5 days) and I've lost 6lbs, I ran twice, and both times half the distance I typically run - I have no changed my diet, only the quality of food I am eating.  Do you think that's by chance?

I also hope the next time you encounter a young, healthy, married couple with no children, you think twice about butting into their reproductive life, and ask them something more elementary like, how long have you been married? What baseball team are you rooting for? Do you have plans for Thanksgiving? What do you like to do in your free time?  It's really none of your business when they plan on having children - and also, could hurt them to ask, I'm sure once they do have a kid, you will certainly know about it.  If you find yourself in a situation where you couldn't help yourself and had to ask, don't deepen the wound by offering things like, "you're still young you have plenty of time", or sharing your own difficulty, "it took us 6 months to get pregnant so I know how it feels" because you have no idea.



Genesis 1:28 says, "Be fruitful and multiply..."



Stay tuned for my update on my new unit - reporting Monday :)


Clarification:: 
A close friend commented after reading this post, "I didn't know you wanted kids so bad" and I was surprised that's what she got from reading my post (especially since I put that I am at peace with whatever our destiny is).  To clarify, and maybe I should have added this to the end - we have been given the opportunity to look back on our past and say, "we're glad things happened the way they have".  Many couples rush into pregnancy because it seems like the next logical step after marriage, hell, we did! My older and wiser self is glad that we didn't have a kid right away, because Kyle and I have grown together in ways I can't imagine would have been possible with the distraction of a baby only a year into our marriage.  I can't really speculate because I don't know what it's like to have a baby early on, but I do know that marriage is difficult, and no one tells you that.  People post the happiest pictures of themselves on Facebook (guilty!) but you never see pictures from the nights they slept with their backs to one another because of an unresolved disagreement.  I couldn't imagine throwing a needy micro human into the middle of that disagreement, let alone raising one in an environment of turmoil.

Fasted Cardio and Why I'm NOT Starving:

To begin I would like to say this is the 6th "draft" I've sat down and typed in my blog... I have wanted to write but just haven't had the urge, or I start going on a rant and just decide it's not what I really want anyone to be reading about my life, or, it's just really not what I'm trying to say.  I have always felt pretty gifted as a writer/typer, but recently, I've been trying to keep my opinion more to myself and wear less on my sleeve.

We have had A LOT going on lately, and even after moving down here I felt like I needed to post a blog to update our friends and family, especially after my short-lived breakup with Facebook.

I started getting pretty negative about my posts, and I started to get annoyed with some of our family and friends who would text me usually around the same 24 hour period and ask me the same questions! When I broke up with Facebook, I had a draft typed up in here (BlogStew Part 2), that I actually came on and deleted just so that I wouldn't feel the urge to actually post it - because what it was really just turned into a rant about all the things I REALLY want to say, but I've learned over the years it's often best to grin and bear it and bite your tongue - sometimes.

Today, I am going to change the direction of my blog a little bit and talk about my relationship with food, fasting, and why I suddenly think they are really important.  This entire blog may come off as completely hypocritical given the nature of my job in the Coast Guard (and the percentage of my instagram feed that is beautiful pictures of food), however, I plan to make some adjustments (where I can - considering my boss is a big ole' pork lovin' country boy) I had a revelation recently about how our culture glamorizes and romances over food.  We spend time entertaining around food, when we're bored - we eat, we plan our excitements around food (where will we eat out? which restaurant has our favorite calamari <haha! to: dad, aimee, kyle> who makes the best bacon? what "special meal" are you making on said holiday?), we gorge ourselves unintentionally on food (then we joke about how we overate), we eat when we're sad, different foods make us happy (ice cream! chocolate! cupcakes!) ... you get the point hopefully.  Food should not be purposed for those things - food should be fuel for our bodies, plain and simple.  We hear all over the news, more and more cases of children with autism, cancer becoming a household mainstay, obesity, heart problems, liver disease - and honestly I feel that in LARGE, it's because our society has a poor relationship with food.

You may have heard that success in weight loss is 80% diet and 20% workout - which is PAINFULLY true.  You can not outrun or out-cardio a bad diet - you just can't.  Mostly because you will feel like shit, and also because your body is going to turn the crap you ate into fat regardless - so all you're doing is losing water weight temporarily (if at all), unless you completely change your body composition to lean muscle - in which case you wouldn't have been eating crap in the first place. 

What I want to address is that in addition to the 80% diet & 20% workout relationship, maintenance is 90% mental and 10% motivation.  Most people - myself included - can commit to a "good" diet, leafy green salads, lean meat, maybe a little salad dressing, a gallon of water, then a square dinner leave out the carbs (double serve them to your husband obviously), and maybe a beer (or two... glasses of wine... haha).  Little slips and 'cheats' along the way, take that 80% down little by little - and then you're really only committing to a 50% diet, and 20% workout and 30% cheating - which means you're probably not making progress.  Then you start getting frustrated because you're lifting all this heavy crap, sweating your butt off, eating 3 cups of spinach - and you've still got cellulite on the back of your thighs, or your bathing suit bottom makes a little bulge you thought for sure would be gone by summertime.

It is possible to retrain yourself mentally and physically to only need to eat to fuel your body.   

80% diet should be no big deal.

The benefit of doing fasted cardio in the morning, meaning, you wake up and do some kind of cardio exercise (more than 20 minutes and at moderate intensity - a light jog) before consuming your breakfast - and considering you didn't eat dinner after 7pm.  According to bodybuilding.com, "it is a fact that you can target the body fat stores easier when doing fasted cardio, but, before taking that as the word that fasted cardio is all you should be performing, keep in mind that fat loss is still heavily dependent on your diet". Be weary about fasted cardio if you are trying to maintain muscle mass, because your body will depend on burning fat stores and depending on the intensity of the cardio you are doing, you could wind up burning muscle mass in addition.  You can supplement lifting and maintaining muscle mass by taking BCAA's (which you can either google or I will write about in a later post when I start lifting again).  "With regards to the fat that is burned during fasted cardio, more than any other form of fat burning exercise, when done in a fasted state like this you will have a greater ability to target the stubborn fat stores on your body. These areas of the body tend to be more resistant to giving up their fat stores and are why these are generally the very last places that you'll lose body fat as well. In addition supplementing caffeine before doing your moderate intensity fasted cardio, will help to boost the levels of catecholamines in the body, which then stimulates fat burning enzymes to make fatty acids more available to be burned off, you'll see even better results yet."

"The biggest skepticism about fasting stems from the concern that it will disrupt metabolism and lead to weight gain. Yet a new study published this year in the journal Cell Metabolism suggests that limiting periods of food intake to eight hours a day might reduce the risk of obesity and obesity-related diseases."

So - maybe this doesn't sound like something you can try - or maybe it doesn't sound like something you even want to try, but I did - and I am willing to share with you my feelings on it.  I ate dinner around 4pm yesterday, I had two heaping cups of arugula, about 1/4 cup crumbled feta cheese,  balsamic vinegar drizzled on it, and a cup of cottage cheese with cinnamon sprinkled on it (typically I would have eaten something with more protein like chicken or turkey but I didn't have any groceries so I was literally eating what was in my fridge).  Yesterday afternoon I made the decision that I was going to revamp my relationship with food and stop feeling like shit all the time.  I went to the grocery store, prepped my meals for the next three days, and committed to my fast.  I was hungry around 8PM but I think it was because I was unloading the groceries and I was thinking about it. I went to bed around 10, woke up at 5AM and ran 4.35 miles *see my workout on FB* on the treadmill.  I felt hungry when I first woke up so I drank some green tea (I literally made two gallons of steeped green tea and cooled it in my fridge).  I felt awesome during my run, and never felt hungry, lethargic, exhausted, or faint.  In fact, when my run was complete I had the most intense runners high ever - the best euphoric feelings I've had in a long time, following a good workout.  I sat in the sauna for about 7 minutes, showered, and left the gym around 730AM.  I ate breakfast about a half an hour later - putting me almost exactly at 16 hours, I ate half a grapefruit (to assist with my fat burning), one slice of wheat bread, and a tablespoon of 100% organic and natural peanut butter (nothing in it but peanuts - the way peanut butter should be).  Around 930 I felt like I was hungry - but I started thinking this was just my mind playing tricks on me and I just needed to battle it - I also felt pretty tired, but I was sitting in a powerpoint seminar so I just put my mind over it and thought about how strong I am mentally (and also drank two cups of black coffee).  We broke for lunch around 1100 and I ate one more slice of whole wheat bread, and a half cup of tuna (no mayo - just tuna).  I drank about 4 more cups of coffee and lots of water throughout the afternoon and finally ate dinner again around 430 - I had one cup of green beans (no seasoning), two grilled chicken tenderloins (just garlic powder), half an apple, and half a banana (to help break my fast for my cardio tomorrow).  Overall I have felt awesome all day, like I could take on the world - my mind was clear, my thoughts were clear, and I feel good.

Why am I doing this?  To kick-start my revamped relationship with food. No more beer/wine (for a little while at least), only organic (instead of some organic), NO artificial sweeteners, NO pre-workout supplements (just green tea or black coffee), NO salad dressing, NO fried food... etc.  

I've complained for too many years and put a lot of blame on my thyroid - but I am not so sure in retrospect that my thyroid is to blame for all of my issues and overall feeling of sluggishness.  I eat a lot of what I used to think was "good" food - but really, all I have been doing was eating a lot of garbage that tasted good but was really bad for my body.  It may sound horrible, but I feel awesome, and to me feeling good is better than the temporary deliciousness of homemade Alfredo sauce or the golden brown delicious crunch of a piece of fresh warm garlic bread.

http://www.bodybuilding.com/fun/assessing-fasted-cardio-training.html
http://experiencelife.com/article/the-case-for-intermittent-fasting/

Blog Stew (Part 1)

It's been a long time since I've posted anything, obviously... but that doesn't mean I haven't written in my mental blog a thousand times since my last post.  I've thought long and hard about what I wanted to blog about - because so so so much has occurred in my life since my last post - and I've had so much to crank out on my keyboard.  It's not that I haven't had the time, I have been busy - that's for sure, but in the midst of moving, getting my 'swole' on (as Kyle would say), getting situated in my new job, driving across Florida a couple of times, getting underway, visiting Kyle in training, taking online classes, and doing absolutely nothing, all of those things seemed better than sitting down and writing in my blog.  In some respect, I haven't been ready for EVERYONE (because I really don't know who all reads this thing) to know what's been going on in my life - and because I've really wanted to sit down and write a full on confessional.  I don't know if that will happen here right now, because most of the time I think about what I want to write and plan the words out perfectly while I am somewhere around minute 30 and floor 79 on the stair-master, by the time I get home, I smell, I'm sweaty, and I really have no interest in sitting at my computer to do this.  The reality is that I have no commitment to do this, except that writing in this blog makes me feel good... and I know people like Katie depend on it, because we don't talk every day.  Also, I've had a few awkward conversations happen, and I feel like I need to clear the air with a few things... So, here goes:

1.  I have never seen any of the Star Wars movies.

2.  haha... okay but seriously, here goes...

We moved to Pensacola in May, I think, I can't remember the exact date - it's not important though... I took a month of leave, and pretty much blacked out after it was all said and done.  For some reason, my movers who were contracted to procure my household goods from Nantucket treated my move as an 'overseas' move - which means all our crap was thrown into BIG GHETTO plywood crates.  This group of four guys showed up, one of them resembled Fat Joe (but fatter, and more gangster) who we ended up having to pick up at the ferry after they arrived because he was a 'walk on' because he didn't fit in the cab with the three other guys - or because he smelled really bad... either way, somehow I was sent for that job, probably because I felt better about Kyle being at the house with the three bloods alone.  Anyway, long story short, they didn't finish the job in one day, we had 6100lbs worth of crap (holy hell), they ended up staying in some swanky hotel in downtown Nantucket, and showed up around noon-thirty the next day to the rest of our crap in the driveway (because Kyle lost patience and started unloading the rest of the houses contents so we could clean and get ready for Jules and Jude's wedding).  That morning Fat Joe proceeded to make some sounds that resembled what I'd imagine to be dinosaur mating calls and vomit all over our front lawn because him and his team of thugs went out on the town the night before and had too many "Life is Good" cocktails.  Once our crap arrived in Pensacola, nine days later than the "No Later Than" date, a new set of thugs came with it, and the crates in all their glory.  A few things were damaged, actually our stuff was a lot better off than I imagined things would be, and I made sure that the moving company paid for it - we ended up getting a decent reimbursement and I put the Fat Joe and his team of G's on Slam in my 'move survey'... I also made sure to clear with the government move manger that Nantucket is in fact part of the United States, not overseas, and that it would have cost the government LESS to send one single moving company from Florida, to Nantucket to pick my crap up, and bring it back to Florida as a door-to-door move (as requested), rather than one company to load it into crates, deliver it to a warehouse managed by another company, only to have a third company drive from Georgia to Mass, to Florida to deliver it to another warehouse, to have a fifth company then pick IT up and deliver it to my house... oh yeah, that was the reason - lowest bidder...

Before I digress - on the move down to Pensacola, the BMW broke down while I was filling it with gas at the Delaware Welcome Center.  Kyle - you win (it's on record now!).  We bought me a brand spankin' new 2013 Jeep Wrangler Sport with 09 miles on the odometer... and all my complaining aside I still love this damn car!

Kyle left for his two week ADT before the movers came - which by the way, I've been trying to not abbreviate our military terminology for you civilian readers - but ADT, I can't tell you what that means, because the reserves is a whole ball game I have no idea how to play - and they come with a whole set of abbreviations I do not understand.  My dad and Aimee graciously (I hope!) came and helped me move in, they were shocked by the amount of crap (especially kitchen related items!!) Kyle and I had accumulated in the three years (ish) we were on Nantucket - that "take it or leave it" really did me good!! They left shortly after all the boxes (aside from my clothing - which took me an extra two weeks) were unpacked and I spent the next few days trying to figure out how I was going to sleep - my street is REALLY dark...  ALAS - I survived.

When Kyle came home, we spent a couple days (against Kyle's will) hanging pictures, arranging furniture, and organizing things - okay, maybe that's what I did... haha.  We also spent a couple days at the beach, drinking beers, and straight up relaxing.  Somewhere in this mix I also hired a personal trainer and learned how to lift weights like a pro and eat food like a pro.  Jules and I had made some kind of agreement or promise to ourselves that we would leave Nantucket the same weight that we arrived (and I made myself a sub agreement that I would erase all memories of the damn place as well - so far so good!).  I ended up leaving 5lbs over my goal, which... wasn't bad... When I got to Florida, that all went to shit and I felt like I could have ROLLED my ass down 95 and made it here in just as good time with my setbacks and numerous bottles of wine consumed at my Dad's house.  Okay - it wasn't that bad, but that's how I felt anyway - and I knew I was going to have to get weighed when I arrived at the boat, so I had to be proactive at some point during my leave and make some changes.  I never got weighed when I got to the boat, but boy was I hungry.

Kyle had about two more weeks between the time I reported to the boat, and the time he had to report to A-School.  This was a really difficult time for us, because we made one of the hardest decisions we've had to make since getting married.  After months of flip-flopping and discussion, we decided to put Junior down.  I don't need to justify with anyone why we did it, but the move was really stressful on both the animals - to the point where even the Pippin was peeing blood for weeks - just out of sheer stress.  Junior was not a healthy bulldog as it was, but he was our 'child' - he signified so much to us, he came into our lives in a way you read in fictional stories, or see in movies.  I know I complained about his BS in a previous blog, but at the end of the day, we loved that dog more than anyone could ever imagine, and he will always be such a beautiful part of our life.  I hope that no one has to go through this - with dog, cat, or human.

whew - that was heavy.

The DAY after Kyle left for school - liberty was granted around 1300 as usual in port schedule, and I was still on the boat, as usual, and deliberating whether or not to go buy some broccoli because it was on the menu for dinner that night, and we didn't have any.  Right as I was about to leave - I am told to standby, because I may need to buy more than just broccoli - whaaaa?!?  Around 1400 I am told to buy as much milk, fruit, vegetables, and cheese as I can and be back at the boat no later than 1600 to be underway by 1700 for possibly three weeks but an undetermined amount of time - to be briefed when I get back.  I legitimately called my mom as I drove to the back gate sobbing.  What. The. F#&@?!  At this point I had only been underway with the boat for day trips,  I have no idea what to do with Pippin - so I call the vet in a panic hoping that I could vent to them and teleport myself and the cat to them because there's no way I would have time to drive the 45 min there AND buy all that stuff in the amount of time I needed.  I called my dad - in a panic, hoping that he would teleport to me and save the day! And I called Debi - who had just left the week prior and was with us for the saddest goodbye, who graciously (again, I hope!) offered to come up if she needed to, to stay with the cat.  Pippin - I should add, was still "sick", and because he was peeing blood - the vet wouldn't update his rabies vaccine which had expired, so he couldn't be boarded just anywhere - aside from the vet he was being treated at which was 45 min away - and I was afraid of boarding him if I was going to be gone for three weeks (or longer) and I had no idea what kind of communication I was going to have with the world once we went farther than just a little offshore.  Luckily - I was able to communicate with one of the guys on my boat (since I was still really new to the crew at this point) my stress about the cat and Kyle being gone, and he arranged for his wife to go to the house and meet Debi, and relieve her of "cat duty" - all things that I am really, really, grateful for.  We ended up being underway for less than a week - and it was just another Coast Guard freakout - which, in the short time I've been attached to the boat, I've become totally used to.  Again - I survived!

I really didn't expect this blog to be this long - so I'm going to have to break it up into two blogs - because the other half really needs to be thought out so I don't offend anyone... and I want to go watch Duck Dynasty with Kyle soon.

For anyone who follows me on Instagram, or sees my morning posts when I'm out the door at 445AM to go to the gym - I've been kicking some serious ASS.  It does not take much to get motivated, and once you make a serious commitment to yourself to change your habits, it becomes easier every day and your new habits become just a part of your daily routine - as a friend of mine put it me going to the gym in the morning before work is 'just part of my workday'... The best advice I can give to anyone who is looking for motivation (and remember, motivation is the main reason I started this blog...?), is first off: START - the walk/jog/run, jumping jacks, situps, whatever you do today, is better than any workout you haven't done in the past week, month, year... Next you NEED to ALLOW yourself to have setbacks - but DO NOT allow your setbacks to be an excuse to fail yourself on your goals.  Overcome from it, look at each setback as motivation to kick the next days ass, or choose a salad next time.  If you eat right 90% of the time, let the 10% be a cheat meal once a week - if you budget it into your week, and you expect it, when it happens, you won't feel like you let yourself down, and you will be less likely to fall off your healthy wagon.  If you eat three slices of pizza, or a bottle of wine, don't throw it away tomorrow with the mentality "screw it, I already messed up my diet with the crap I ate yesterday..." NO.  It didn't take ONE meal to make you fat, just like it won't take ONE workout to get you fit... STAY FOCUSED.  WHICH brings me to my next point - if anyone has seen my rants about juicing, Atkins, and yo-yo dieting - this is the biggest FLAW with those ideas, and I know Chad - you juice for deprivation without nutritional loss - great - but you eat pancakes in the morning drowned in syrup and fried chicken tenders at 10AM, so... there's your caloric overhaul paired WITH nutritional loss - just sayin'... but hey, whatever floats your boat, or sinks your ship - different strokes for different folks. 


I want to motivate and help people, I've always been a nurturer/helper, it genuinely makes me feel good to do so... so... this is where I will end this blog stew - and pick up for the next one, because I want to write about my thoughts on happiness, the oncoming of our THIRD wedding anniversary, and some other things that are pretty heavy on my mind... Until next time!!